


Jojos' Bizarre Black Friday

by melie_mouse



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Apocalypse, Araki is a minor character, Black Friday, Chaos, Christmas, Comedy, Crossover, Dio being a Karen, Dio starts a cult, Everyone Is Gay, Horror, Jonathan is evil, Joseph Joestar is the President, Jotaro is trying to be a good dad, M/M, Parental Bruno Buccellati, Parental Leone Abbacchio, Science Fiction, Theatre, slight ooc?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26793949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melie_mouse/pseuds/melie_mouse
Summary: It's the most wonderful time of the year. Or is it?In a bizarre adventure filled with comedy, the festive spirit and a surprising amount of politics, can a cast of familiar faces defeat an evil, inter-dimensional, fluffy demigod before it's too late?(A crossover of "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure" and hit horror-comedy musical "Black Friday")
Relationships: Higashikata Josuke (JoJo: Diamond is Unbreakable)/Nijimura Okuyasu, Kakyoin Noriaki/Kujo Jotaro, Leone Abbacchio/Bruno Buccellati
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	1. The Father

_"He's a wiggly snig, and a sniggly wiggly a fr-"_

Okuyasu reached over to the car radio and switched it off; he'd had enough. 

"Ugh. How many times are they gonna play that ad?" 

"I don't know." Josuke responded, keeping his eyes on the road. 

"Josuke, you know how I feel about that musical commercial." 

Josuke sighed, knowing what was coming. "I know, you don't--" 

"I don't like it." Okuyasu interjected. "And I'll tell you why." 

Josuke had grown pretty accustomed to this rant by now. It seemed to occur every time they were in the car, or in the mall doing Christmas shopping, or whenever the two of them would watch television together in the evenings. This "wiggly" doll just seemed to appear everywhere and quite frankly Okuyasu was sick of it. He continued, "It's these advertising firms with their catchy jingles that worm their way into your brain, brewing up the hype, till it boils over. It's things like Wiggly that make Black Friday the worst shopping day of the year." 

"Oh, relax, it's just a toy." Josuke replied, making eye contact with his companion momentarily before flicking his focus back to the road. He was no more fond of this doll than Okuyasu was, however (unlike Okuyasu) Josuke had quickly realised that fighting the wave of Wiggly was futile. This was just another trend as far as he was concerned. A weird trend at that but still, ultimately, a trend that would just come and go within a few weeks before fading into a sea of obscurity. 

Okuyasu was less convinced. "Cabbage Patch Kids were just toys, and there were riots over those things, literally, riots!" 

"Why? God, what even is a Cabbage Patch Kid?" Josuke responded, "It's like you're cuttin' into a head of lettuce and, "Oh shit, a baby!" It's like, I wanted a salad but now I have a child. What is the appeal?"

Okuyasu agreed, "What's the appeal of Tamagotchis, or Beanie Babies, or Wiggly? It's just mania, Josuke, like a spell." 

"Well, we're here, so you can get off your soapbox." Josuke announced as the car came to a stop outside a modest, suburban house. It looked comfortable but it was nothing special. It's grey walls matched all the others in the cul-de-sac and it's front lawn, whilst neatly trimmed, was left undecorated, unflowered and honestly did not seem to be one of the owner's top priorities. "And none of that talk around Jolyne, okay? She's nine, she probably wants a Wiggly more than anything. And if we upset his daughter, Jotaro will never invite us over again." 

"Your nephew's a bit of a Scrooge, isn't he?" Okuyasu remarked, hoping that his festive pun would lighten the mood. He knew that Josuke had been anxious about this all morning. 

"Yeah, well, the car crash was last Christmas, Oku. The guy lost his wife. I mean, he is an asshole but he and Jolyne are the only family I have left. I barely know them. I'm done fucking things up, I just need this to work, okay?" Josuke responded, taking a nervous sip of his coffee, which was cool enough to drink now they had finished driving. 

"It will." Okuyasu replied. And although he could not see his exact thoughts, Okuyasu empathised with Josuke a bit himself, having also not come from an easy familial situation. "He invited you over, he wants you to be a part of his life. So cheer up, it's Christmas time in Hatchetfield. Isn't that fun? Hey, everything's going to be okay, okay?" he comforted his companion, looking into his eyes. After a moment of tenderness Josuke simply replied:

"Okay."

"Okay Jojo!" Okuyasu exclaimed with enthusiasm, patting him on the back before they both got out of the car, approached the house and knocked on the door. 

The door was quickly answered. 

"You're late." said the owner of the house cooly: Jotaro Kujo, a thirty or forty something father and ex soldier. His exact age was impossible to guess but one could see how his experiences had aged him. One could see it in the shallow wrinkles forming on his otherwise clean, shaven face. One could see it in the strands of hair that had turned silver within the past few years. And one could see it within the heavy, tired eyes which seemed almost dead despite their strength and boldness. He was a man you did not want to anger. But then again, if you did now, he probably wouldn't have the will or energy to retaliate. 

Josuke pleaded with his nephew. "But it's 6:30 in the morning."

"Yeah, and I said six." he responded. "But I guess you had to go to Starbucks." he finished, pointing at Josuke's cup which he promptly hid behind him with an awkward chuckle and smile. His eyes then shifted to the little girl sitting on the stairs behind Jotaro. 

"Hey Jolyne!" he greeted with enthusiasm. 

The little girl, who had been previously looking down, away from her embarrassing, grumpy father looked at Josuke, her eyes lighting up. "Hi, Uncle Josuke!" 

"We missed you at Thanksgiving yesterday, but I heard you and your dad did something pretty cool, Pizza Pete's?" 

"Oh, Pizza Pete's, that is cool!" Okuyasu interjected. 

Jolyne looked towards him, her expression falling, "Who are you?" she asked. 

"I'm Josuke's…" he trailed off. In fact, he wasn't even sure what they were. They had started off as college roommates but as time went on, one thing led to another. It was now at the point people assumed they were together. They hadn't really made it into anything official yet but Okuyasu finally came to the conclusion, "boyfriend?" 

"Well, we haven't put a label on it yet, so." Josuke chuckled, interrupting what could have become a potentially awkward moment. 

"But we are intimate." Okuyasu replied with a misplaced sense of pride. Now it was definitely awkward. "Uh, you know, Pete, Jotaro, Jolyne, we, I used to go to Pizza Pete's when I was a kid. I used to love the ball pits, the bumper cars!" he continued, addressing Jolyne, thinking he had saved the mood. Nice recovery. 

"Yeah, I don't really like getting hit by cars anymore." 

Or not. 

"Oh, right, yeah, because of the, uh, okay." 

Shit. 

Josuke decided to step in, "Uh, I mean, that stuff's for little kids. Pizza Pete's is all about the games, right?" he said playfully nudging Jolyne in the arm as Jotaro left the room. 

"Yeah, Mom and I used to play Zombie House, but Dad can't 'cause he's not supposed to hold a gun. Not even a fake one," she then lowered her voice to a whisper framing her mouth with her hand, "he gets flashbacks." 

"What are you tellin' them?" Jotaro called from the corridor. "I do not get flashbacks, I remember bad things vividly." he finished as he reentered the room doing up the buttons on his jacket. 

Josuke turned to Okuyasu, "Jotaro did two tours in Iraq." 

"Oh, thank you for your service." Okuyasu said to Jotaro, hoping his politeness could make up for his previous blunder. 

Jotaro flicked his eyes up to his. "I didn't do it for you." He then went to Jolyne speaking in a more frustrated fashion as he pointed his finger at her. "And I coulda played the damn zombie game, but I was over at the ski ball machine trying to win tickets to help you get that RC car you wanted." 

"I wanted to have fun." 

"Ski ball is fun." 

"Ski ball sucks." 

"Well, hey, we're gonna have fun today, huh." Josuke interrupted again. Okuyasu looked lovingly at his companion as he continued: Josuke the Peacemaker. "We brought DVDs, games, we got leftovers. Everything you need for a belated Turkey Day." 

Jotaro grabbed his cap off the coat rack. "All right, you guys are gonna have a good time. Hopefully you'll only have to watch Jolyne for a few hours." 

"Oh, when you called, I thought that we..." Josuke scoffed, "I see. This is not a family Thanksgiving thing, I am babysitting." 

"Yeah, Koichi is outta town and I couldn't find another sitter." Jotaro said cooly, not sensing his uncle's disappointment. "I wouldn't have texted you guys unless I had any other option, I'm sorry. I'll try to be quick so you can get the hell outta here." 

"Okay." Josuke whispered. He continued, growing in volume as he walked away from Jotaro. "Okay. Okay. Okay." 

"Dad, I thought we were all gonna be here together." Jolyne interjected, approaching her father. 

"Well, I have to go somewhere important, okay?" he asserted. 

"Where?" 

"For your information, I need a new blade for my bandsaw." he replied. 

"Yeah, that's real important." she mocked before charging off, stomping up the stairs. 

Jotaro called after his daughter, "Hey, Jolyne, _Jolyne!_ " 

There was a moment of complete silence before Josuke walked up behind Jotaro. 

"Wow, great priorities, Jotaro. First the tools, then the kid." he said. 

"I didn't say that." he spat back, still facing away. 

"What are you gonna do for her birthday?" Josuke asked. "Leave her at home and take the drill press to Six Flags?" 

That was it. Jotaro snapped.

"I don't have a drill press! And even if I did, how would it fit into the Sedan?" 

He paused, looking up the stairs to check that Jolyne wasn't nearby before turning to his uncle with a hushed tone. "I had to say something because I didn't wanna ruin the surprise. I'm going to the mall to get Jolyne's Christmas present, okay? It's this new doll everybody's been talking about. This little monster that you tickle." 

"Oh my god, Jotaro, you're getting Jolyne a Tickle-Me-Wiggly?" Josuke beamed perhaps a bit too loudly in excitement. 

Jotaro tried to calm him down, "Shh, yeah." 

Josuke continued turning down the volume by a minute amount. "She's gonna flip. You must've pre-ordered that thing like six months ago!" 

"Nah, Toy Zone doesn't do pre-orders, it's first come, first served, so-" 

Okuyasu interrupted "Oh, do you have someone holding your place in line?" 

"What do you mean "line"? It's 6:30, I'm gonna get there 10 minutes before the doors even open." 

Josuke and Okuyasu looked at each other. How on earth could they break the news gently to this poor, oblivious man? 

Josuke started, "Jotaro, I know you've been kind of shut in for a while, so you might not grasp the demand for this doll."

Okuyasu decided to continue, "My brother, Keicho, tried to get one online. The orders are so backed up, the earliest he can get one is next Christmas. Not this Christmas, _next_ Christmas, _maybe_." 

"You should've been in line last night." said Josuke. 

"He should've been in line last _week_." Okuyasu replied. 

"Are you guys pulling my chain?" Jotaro whispered in utter disbelief. Sure, he knew that this doll was popular but he didn't think it was that big. It was like a fever, a pandemic quickly spreading across the population. 

"Jotaro, at this point, I wouldn't even bother going down there." Josuke warned. 

Jotaro sighed, sinking down into a chair, putting his head in his hands."Goddammit, my wife would've had all this worked out." 

If it weren't for Jotaro covering his face, the other two might have seen his eyes begin to twinkle with tears. He was so used to the feeling now though, that he was able to keep his voice from cracking and he was able to push down the water rising behind his eyelids. Josuke sat down next to him and pat his shoulder. In an attempt to comfort him, he suggested,

"You could get her like a Nintendo?"

Jotaro slowly looked up, meeting his younger uncle's eyes.

"She doesn't want that, she wants this doll!" he exclaimed "Is that so much to ask for?" he spat. "Last Christmas, this kid lost more than any kid deserves. You wanna know what she was doing this time last year? She was sledding,

 ** _with her mother._** " 

Even Okuyasu was taken aback by this outburst. It had been a year but this man, this family, was still so broken. They all stayed silent for a moment. 

" Now she's..." Jotaro tried continue but his voice cracked, a hoarse, defeated sound. He closed his eyes once more and took a deep breath. "This kid deserves to have one fucking thing that she asked for." he started, standing up to leave. "So I'm not coming back into this house without one of those dolls in my hand. Because I will be goddamned if she does not have a merry fucking Christmas!"

He slammed the door on his way out only for it to be opened again seconds later once he'd reaslied that he had left his cap on the chair.

"And a happy New Year!" he exclaimed before slamming the door again. 


	2. The Rebel

It was still early in the morning and Jotaro had not expected this much traffic. He should have been waiting outside the shop by now but instead he was in a traffic jam waiting to get in the car park. This was just ridiculous but they couldn't all be getting Wiggly dolls, right? 

If there was one thing you needed to know about Jotaro, it was that he was not a patient man. After less than a minute, he did a u-turn onto the other side of road, earning a few angry "beeps" from other drivers. 

"Good grief..." he sighed. He had to find somewhere to park if he had any chance of arriving before the doors opened. He decided that his best option would be behind the mall building. It was much calmer there. The only issue was finding somewhere he could park his car. Anywhere would do; he just needed to find a space big enough. Luckily he found an available spot behind the back entrance of a shop. As Jotaro got out of his car, he noticed someone with long hair, some sort of employee by the side of the road. Despite their androgynous appearance, Jotaro could only guess by their height that they were male. They were trying to light the cigarette in their mouth, hunched over their lighter, trying to make use of the last remnants of the lighter fluid. 

"Excuse me, Sir, you think it's okay for me to park here?" Jotaro called out to them. 

"Yeah, it says "no parking at any time" but I'm sure the loading trucks could just park across the street." They turned around. It was now clear that they were a man, a young man, but also, a young man who would rather be anywhere else. "Does that work for you?" 

"Yeah, that's perf." Jotaro replied before taking a closer look at the man. "Leone?" 

"Hey, Mr. Kujo." he greeted with a nonchalant tone. 

Jotaro was not expecting to see one of his former students today, especially the notorious Leone Abbacchio. It would have been a pleasant surprise had he not been in a rush. But it was too late to leave now; he had to make some sort of small talk.

"What are you doing?" he asked, glancing down at the cigarette before going back up to Leone's made up eyes. 

"What's it look like I'm doing? I'm having a bud before my shift." 

"Hey, does your mother know you smoke?" he questioned with a touch of concern. 

"Yeah," Leone replied in the most calm, matter of fact manner. "She lets it slide 'cause I score her weed." 

"Weed? Leone, I thought you were done with all that. Last year, you were back in school.You were on top of your classes." 

"I was hardly valedictorian." he retorted. 

"Well, you were doing well in my class." Jotaro remarked. 

"Yeah, shop class. Where you get an A if you don't chop off your finger." Leone replied before taking a long draw of his cigarette. 

Jotaro lowered his voice. "No, if you show up and put in the effort, I'm not gonna hold an accident like that against you."

"Yeah, well, shop class was the only thing holding up my GPA." Leone dropped his cigarette butt, grinding it under his heel before continuing, "So when they canceled shop 'cause the teacher had a "family emergency", they flunked me. So I decided to follow the example of my favorite teacher and never come back. _How does it feel to be a role model?_ "

Jotaro turned away from him, not wanting to meet his gaze. "That's not a very fair thing to say." 

"What's it matter? School's supposed to prepare you for the workplace, and I have a job. Or is stock boy at Toy Zone a waste of my endless potential?" Leone questioned sarcastically showing off the badge on his obnoxious red shirt that was part of his uniform. 

Jotaro perked up at those words, music to his ears. He turned back around, "Toy Zone?"

"Yeah, what, you have a problem with retail?"

"No, no, no, no I think Toy Zone is a great place for you to work." Jotaro replied enthusiastically. "In fact, I'm proud of you, Leone. I always thought you had a good work ethic." he finished, patting the younger man on the back. 

"Yeah, well, if I don't support my drinking habit, who will?" 

Jotaro let go. 

"Yeah, that's funny, listen," he started. "I'm actually here to get a Christmas present for my daughter, it's a Tickle-Me Wiggly. I didn't realize so many people were trying to do the same thing. So do you think there's anything you could do?" he asked with a lowered volume. 

"Oh, you mean, like, put one on the side for you?" he replied, also whispering, closing some distance between them. 

Jotaro took a step closer. "Yeah." 

"Yeah, like put your name on it, put it under the counter?" Leone asked, taking another step. "Just screw over hundreds of people that got here before you?" 

Jotaro placed his hands on the younger man's shoulders.

"That would be great." 

There was a pause before Leone lifted his hands off his shoulders, placing them back at Jotaro's sides. "Yeah, well, you know, I could, but that would be violating company policy. And everyone's telling me to be more responsible lately, so I'm gonna go with them on this one. Oh, but hey, I got an idea, you can get in line like everybody else. And I'd hurry if I were you." he suggested. "The line's already backed-up to Nordstrom."

"Oh, oh, no, no, no, no. To Nordstrom?" Jotaro exclaimed, looking around behind him towards the mall entrance. "Ah, shit!"

He took off. Taking quick strides back the way he came, leaving Leone in the cold.

"Wait, wait, are you gonna leave your car there?" Leone called after him. 

"Let 'em tow it!" he called back, already halfway down the street. 

"All right, merry Christmas." 

"Yeah, merry Christmas, Leone!" 

Leone had just about finished his pre-work break and decided to enter through the back door of Toy Zone. He was greeted by the sound of his boss, Yoshikage Kira, singing. He was way too happy about this. But hey, at least he was actually happy. Leone always found his passion for retail work odd but then again, it was probably one of his more normal passions. 

_"Hark, the herald angels sing_

_Glory to a newborn king_

_A fucking furry little monster_

_That's gonna make me a pile of cash!"_

"Right you are, good buddy." the delivery man standing next to him chuckled. He was tall, muscular and possessed all of the features that should have made up an attractive man: silky smooth skin, soft but dark wavy blue hair that framed his face and his movements had such grace that they exuded an air of charm and sophistication. Despite all this, Leone could not shake the fact that something seemed _off_ about this man. "Now I just need your signature here on the dotted line." 

"Ah, with pleasure! " Kira exclaimed gladly, practically snatching the clipboard and pen from the man. 

Leone looked over at the boxes. "So that's them, huh?" 

"Yup, our own little miracle on 34th street." Kira finished signing and then turned to Leone. "Tell me, Abbacchio, do you know why they call it Black Friday?" 

God, Leone hated him. He hated the way he spoke to him like a child. He just wanted to slap that smirk right off his face. 

"Uh, because it comes after Thursday?"

"Cute." he remarked sarcastically, dripping with condescension. He continued, "They call it Black Friday because it's the day in America when most retailers go from being in the red, losing money, to being in the black, making money." he raised his hand to his face, practically drooling over the prospect. 

_How disgusting_ Leone thought.

"Oh, you are gonna make a killing." the delivery man spoke, patting the box ." That is an Uncle Wiley Toys guarantee."

He began to walk out, wheeling his trolley. However Leone noticed a complete silence. No footsteps. No creaking of the trolley wheels. This silence was interrupted after he had walked past Leone. He stopped, turned around, looked him up and down. "Well, well, hello, naughty list." he said with a wink, before turning around and leaving the room. 

"Gross!" Leone muttered under his breath. 

"Excuse me, Leone Abbacchio!" Kira called out to him. What now? Leone had shown up to work. That should be enough. What could this miserable man want now? "I don't mean to bother you or anything but do you think I can see some hustle outta you on this, the most important shift of your life? On this, the holiest day in America for humble merchants across this fine nation?" 

Leone crossed his arms. "If it's a holy day, do I get time-and-a-half?" he asked with a smirk. That should shut him up. 

Or not.

"You know, you got a real attitude problem." Kira started. Leone had ended up doing the opposite of what he'd intended. Now he was going to go on one of his rants. Just who did he think he was? The father that Leone had never known? "You're snippy to customers, your no-good boyfriend is always hanging around, you'd think a dropout with a record would be thankful to have a job. You wanna end up like your mother? No prospects and two kids she can't take care of? She dropped your sister on her head or whatever." Leone dropped his confident facade, his smirk faded and his head lowered. Kira could criticise him as much as he wanted— quite frankly, Leone didn't care about what people had to say about him. But to bring his _sister_ into it was too far.

In a moment of silence, Kira moved towards him, cupping his face. "But you, look at what a fine job she's done with you." he remarked. 

What a creep. 

"Look, Kira, do you want me to unload these things or what?" Leone asked, breaking from his grasp. 

"That would be nice! If our hot ticket item could be on the shelves when we open!" he gleamed with condescension. 

"Fine." 

"Thank you. Abbacchio, do you have something to say back to me?" he asked as Leone trudged over to the large box across the room. "Something a polite young man might respond with?" 

"Thank you?" 

"No, no, no, no. Abbacchio, I know this is hard for you, but _try_ to keep up." he said gripping one of his hands. "I say thank you, so you should say--" 

"You're welcome." Leone responded, desperate for him to stop touching him. 

"See, he _can_ be taught!" he teased, before looking at his watch. He gasped at the time before taking off. Singing yet again, this time under his breath as he hurried through to the front of the shop. 

_"Hark, the herald angels sing_

_Glory to a newborn king_

_Peace on Earth and lots of money_

_Money, money, money, just for me!"_

He was finally gone. _Thank God_ Leone thought. He was so sick of that that creepy man whose touches would linger too long on his back, his shoulders and his bare hands. And yet he still had the nerve to act like he had some sort of moral high ground. What a disgusting man. Luckily, he wouldn't have to deal with Kira or any of the others who laughed and jeered at him for much longer. Soon, he'd be out of this town. 

He took his box cutter, opening the box in one swift slice. He reached into the pile of fluff and from it came a doll. 

"Hi, Wiggly, I'm Leone. So you're what all the fuss is about." 

The luminescent, green fur seemed to have a sort of magnetic glow. So bright, so comforting. It's softness was just enough to distract him from the menacing tentacles emerging from it's mouth. An odd feature for a childrens toy. 

As if by magic (or the activation of a sensor) Wiggly spoke. _"Tickle my belly-well."_ It cooed in a soft, high pitched, animated voice, leaving a slight echo in the storage room.

 _Cute_. Leone thought reaching out for the doll's plush stomach. 

It released a giggle. _"That tickles. I think we're going to be very good friendy-wends."_

"I think so too, Wiggly." Leone replied. "I think you're gonna help me out a lot more than you know." he finished as he removed his backpack, checking that Kira wasn't nearby, before opening the bag, beginning to stuff the doll inside. He fumbled with the zipper that had stuck, desperately trying to close the bag. Then he heard a voice. Caught in the act. _Shit_. 

"Mall security, we got a shoplifter, drop that doll!" a deep voice announced. Leone froze in place for a second, with a vice like grip on the backpack before slowly turning around. Before him, was his boyfriend Bruno Buccellati leaning against the door, wearing a leather jacket and his signature warm smile.

"Jesus Christ, Bruno, you fucking asshole!" Leone exclaimed before playfully hitting him as he entered. 

"Hey, come on, it was just a goof!" 

"Where's my sister?" Leone asked suddenly, concerned. 

"Oh no, Anne? Is that what you've been telling me every day for the past four weeks, to pick up your kid sister? Oh, I must've forgot 'cause I'm so stupid!" he joked before heading to the rear entrance again. "She's right over here, but I gotta warn you, she's being a little snot today. Anne, ugh, come here. Do I gotta put a leash on you, like a dog?" he asked a small girl dressed in overalls as he dragged her hesitant body through the door. 

"Okay, don't pull her." Leone exclaimed. 

"I'm not." Bruno replied, raising his hands defensively as he let her go. 

Leone approached the little girl, bending down to her level. 

"Hey, Banana, is it a good day or a bad day?" he asked with a softened tone.

"Bad day." 

"Well, I don't know who told you that because today is a good day." he said before taking off his backpack, showing it to her. "You know my backpack, the one with the pins on it? Well, today you get to wear it." 

"No." Anne huffed, stomping to the other side of the room, turning her head down. 

"See what I mean," Bruno whispered to his boyfriend. "It's been this all day." 

Leone tried approaching the child again. "Why don't you wanna wear my backpack? That makes me sad. Do you think I have a bad backpack?" 

"I'm not supposed to." 

"Who says you're not supposed to?" 

"Webby." 

"Oh great," Bruno remarked to himself. "Now we gotta talk to the imaginary spider from outer space." 

Leone ignored him. "What does Webby say?" he asked Anne. 

"Bad blood, cross, black and white." she responded. Her eyes seemed glazed over, almost like she wasn't even there. 

"Can you translate?" Bruno asked. "I don't speak crazy." 

"She's not crazy!" Leone exclaimed, "she's creative. Come on, Anne, I don't have all day for this." 

"No!" Anne shouted in his face. 

Leone retreated. Bruno gave him a sympathetic glance.

"Okay," he said to Leone. "lemme try, lemme try." He bent down next to Anne "All right, Banana-split." He took a hat from within the bag, presenting it to her. "You see this hat? It was gifted to me by a great warrior." 

Leone couldn't help but chuckle at the side at the absurdity of his boyfriend. This earnt a deadly glare from Bruno.

"Don't you fucking laugh." he spat at him before turning back to the girl. "It's imbued with the power of Grayskull to ward off dark magic, bad blood, backpacks, any fuckin' thing. Now, I can lend you this hat, just for today. And while it's on your head, well, nothing can harm you." 

"Honest?" 

"Cross my heart, hope to die." he responded before she grabbed the backpack and placed on the hat. They both gave each other a salute before Bruno turned back to Leone.

"I'd make a great dad, I'm just saying." Bruno boasted as he walked towards him before pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

"You're gonna watch her until I get off at noon, and then we're out of this fucking town. Is everything good with the buyer?" Leone asked. 

"Oh yeah, about that," Bruno lowered his voice. "There's been a little complication."

"Shit." 

"So, originally, we talked about five, well, word starts to get around." Bruno started. "And before I know it, there is a bidding war for this thing. And we got somebody willing to pay seven." 

"700 for a doll?" 

Bruno chuckled. "No, _7,000_." 

Leone gasped, "7,000? Seven fucking thousand dollars? We're set, we're set!" He practically leapt into Bruno's arms, the two sharing a passionate kiss where they could feel the other grinning against their lips. They had been waiting for so long, but the day was finally here. They laughed together as Leone turned to his little sister.

"Anne, do you know what this means?" 

"California?" she asked, with an excited grin. 

"Cali-fucking-fornia!" Leone exclaimed. 

Leone grabbed a biro pen and a piece of paper from his pocket. He might as well leave some sort of honest goodbye. He leant over a crate and spoke as he began to write. 

" _Dear Mom, it's been real. Real bad. I'd say you did your best, but I'm not a liar._ " 

"Oh, L-I-E-R, babe." Bruno interrupted, pointing to Leone's scratchy handwriting. 

"We get it, Bruno, you're a good speller!" he replied, crossing the word out and rewriting it. He continued, _"I'm taking Anne. As far away as we can get. I'd give you an address but I don't want to. Don't write, don't call, don't ask. Sincerely, Leone. P.S. Get yourself a new trailer, 'cause the one is--"_

" _Broke as shit._ " they all finished together. 


End file.
